Monday, April 14, 2008

Swirly - The Stalker's Guide

Hello darlings, Swirly here! A spate of disturbing incidents involving Julliette Westerburg aka Juju Armidi has prompted Swirly to raise the important issue of stalking. A high profile fashionista of Swirly's calibre can expect to encounter many stalkers, and Swirly has certainly had more than her fair share. You know how it is darlings, the adoring notecards they send, the visits to your private home to take photos of themselves in your garden, the instant messages declaring undying love. The mobs of obsessed fans converging upon you while you shop. These disturbed individuals will stop at nothing to be close to you, to gain just a brief moment of your time and attention. Yes my dears, you all know how it is.

There are good stalkers, and there are bad stalkers darlings. Julliette Westerburg falls firmly into the latter category. The relationship between stalker and stalkee can be mutually beneficial if the stalker is able to understand the needs of her prey. Yes, Swirly is talking about gifts. This is something that adoring fangirl Julliette has failed to recognise. Swirly has a heart of stone, cold black stone. Do you really think that fawning notecards and uninvited TPs can penetrate that cold chamber my dear? Do you seriously think that photos like THIS one, disturbingly named "Hunting you down, my love" will win Swirly's heart?

And upon receiving a restraining order from Swirly's lawyer, do you really think that getting Marcelle DeCuir (probably also a stalker) to send obsessive notecards and photos on your behalf will help? Especially when the restraining order clearly states that contact is only to be made via gifts of value, preferably the entire inventory of Tres Blah and Armidi? How many sledgehammer-subtle hints must Swirly give you before you send her GIFTS??

Fortunately, there are stalkers who understand Swirly. Well, one stalker actually darlings. Swirly is of course referring to Saeya Nyanda, an obsessed fan who has turned stalking Swirly into something of an art form. Saeya has worked tirelessly to win Swirly over, to the extent that Swirly now almost tolerates the girl. Swirly would even go so far to say that she sometimes misses Saeya, when it has been some time since she sent Swirly a gift that is. So for Julliette, and others contemplating stalking Swirly, here is a best practice guide based on stalking methods used by Saeya.

1) Send Swirly everything you make. EVERYTHING. You know she loves gifts.

2) Name your releases after Swirly. Swirly isn't purely a materialistic creature, never underestimate the power of appealing to her vanity.

3) Create custom recolours of your work for Swirly. No, don't wait for her to ask you to make a particular outfit in pink. Anticipate that she NEEDS it, and send it her way immediately.

4) Build a lavish shrine to Swirly on your popular sim. Decorate it to Swirly's tastes, not your own, and fill it with all the Swirly memorabilia you have tirelessly collected during the course of your obsession with her. Create fake photos of Swirly standing with Elvis and The Beatles, Photoshop her into album covers and movie posters. Add a disco ball and music for ambiance, and ensure that the bodies of Swirly's dead husbands are all buried nearby. Nothing will appeal to Swirly's ego more than an elaborate shrine my darlings, so never underestimate its power.

Swirly wearing the Swirly Cyclone Dress from Kyoot Army at the Swirly Shrine in Silent.

Obviously, many many people have named their releases after Swirly, and still more religiously send her gifts, even custom ones. But how many people have created extravagant shrines and anticipated Swirly's needs so completely? This is why Saeya Nyanda will always be Swirly's number one stalker, and there is no-one else who could match her disturbingly obsessive devotion.

Swirly heard through the grapevine that Saeya spent some time with Julliette to offer her tips on appropriate stalking. Of course, this came with grave warnings that Saeya will always be number one, and that any attempts to remove her from that position would come with dire consequences. Now that, my darlings, is true devotion.

Julliette, do heed this advice. Swirly is so looking forward to seeing a Swirly shrine on the Armidi sim dear, and an entire store at Armidi with items named after her.